Chapter Four

This journaling thing is not working out. I refuse to give up, though - no matter how many days between posts, no matter how discouraged I am with myself for not being perfect and no matter how eloquent each post is. This is not a writing contest, and this is not even something I am sharing with others. It is just an honest assessment of myself and a story that has no script or purpose other than to try to pull myself up out of a pit I have created (ok...also one my husband put me in). The past week or two has been full of random angry and emotional moments, little eruptions that seem to come out of nowhere. I am fueled sometimes by the injustice of my situation, and yet I have no one else to blame but myself for choosing this man as my mate and for participating sinfully with him 10 yrs ago in the areas of substance abuse and immorality. I guess I just naively believed that we would turn from our ways and start a new life full of love and happiness. I will not say I regret the relationship for I would not have my 4 beautiful children without it and I certainly would not be the person I am today without it. One thing I have learned is that sin not only does not stand still but it's tentacles are far reaching and are not satisfied until it has completely sunk its prey, much like the monster in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. When will the fall out end? Am I destined to suffer the consequences forever? Perhaps. I just pray I come out the other side stronger and more beautiful and more like Christ than ever.

Right now, all I see is a blundering, irrational, and outbursting person that defends her behavior and yet can't stand who she is - in sin and in personality. I am tired of my character defects and I am tired of my strengths that rub people the wrong way and do nothing but make others uncomfortable. My analyzing, discerning, organizing, unwavering, confrontational qualities do not come out how they are intended and only serve to hurt myself and others. I feel I do not like my giftings because they seem only to serve as annoyances to others, and do I blame them? How annoying! I wonder if that is why I have holed up by myself for the majority of my life and just want to keep to myself, why i relish alone time and watch tv a lot. It is to not offend others and to block the excessive thoughts that come. This outlet, i hope, will help me establish a new me and help me seek out new qualities to not only discover but practice. Help me Jesus to find out who i am in you and what you would have me do for you and your kingdom.