Chapter Six

I am growing increasingly frustrated with myself. I know I have so much to offer the world, yet I don't know in what capacity and, even more frustrating, I don't know how to harness most of it. The parts of my life I do try to share never get translated correctly. I feel like I am perpetually living in my own version of the movie "Lost in Translation." I know exactly what I mean, but others don't, get confused, get offended, and get lost. Is this just a character defect of mine? I am finding it hard to evaluate who I really am. After doing a free career test, I find out that I score the highest in clerical and science. Clerical is a personality-less career, and science is the subject I scored the worst in. So go figure. How can my strength be in clerical when I love so many different things like reading, writing, fashion design, and music? The thing is...I just love them. I'm not good at them. The reality is that I am good at organizing and filling in the blanks. How boring... I have so much to offer in the area of counseling, yet I am not a people person. I love fashion design, but I cannot even so on a button. I love to cut and style hair, but I hate touching people. I love writing yet could not come up with a make believe story if my life depended on it. (I guess my love of writing comes from a love of language and editing and wit and irony). I love the technicality of comparing just the right things or of sharing my point of view. I love to dance and I used to choreograph, so I know there is creativity down in there somewhere. It is just very limited and very specific. Just how specific, I know not. All I know is that I have trouble creating something from nothing - no make believe stories, drawing abstract art, or composing an aria...I did not even play as a kid! So who am I and what am I supposed to be??? A measley secretary earning $8/hr? Is that the best career plan I have? Then there is the obstacle of having 4 children. I guess that is the only consolation - I don't have to decide what I want to be "when I grow up" because I already have grown up and don't have time to become what I envisioned. I am too busy to pursue my interests. My dream job would perhaps be having a column in a newspaper or being a travel writer. Careers I am much too late and not even close to being able to accomplish. Argh! God please send me what you would have me do with my life that coincides with your will for me. For when I am in your will, I am fulfilling my destiny, and my desires will be fulfilled when aligned with your spirit. I know right now that my biggest job, ministry, and duty is to train and love my kids. If only I could get paid!