Chapter Six

I am growing increasingly frustrated with myself. I know I have so much to offer the world, yet I don't know in what capacity and, even more frustrating, I don't know how to harness most of it. The parts of my life I do try to share never get translated correctly. I feel like I am perpetually living in my own version of the movie "Lost in Translation." I know exactly what I mean, but others don't, get confused, get offended, and get lost. Is this just a character defect of mine? I am finding it hard to evaluate who I really am. After doing a free career test, I find out that I score the highest in clerical and science. Clerical is a personality-less career, and science is the subject I scored the worst in. So go figure. How can my strength be in clerical when I love so many different things like reading, writing, fashion design, and music? The thing is...I just love them. I'm not good at them. The reality is that I am good at organizing and filling in the blanks. How boring... I have so much to offer in the area of counseling, yet I am not a people person. I love fashion design, but I cannot even so on a button. I love to cut and style hair, but I hate touching people. I love writing yet could not come up with a make believe story if my life depended on it. (I guess my love of writing comes from a love of language and editing and wit and irony). I love the technicality of comparing just the right things or of sharing my point of view. I love to dance and I used to choreograph, so I know there is creativity down in there somewhere. It is just very limited and very specific. Just how specific, I know not. All I know is that I have trouble creating something from nothing - no make believe stories, drawing abstract art, or composing an aria...I did not even play as a kid! So who am I and what am I supposed to be??? A measley secretary earning $8/hr? Is that the best career plan I have? Then there is the obstacle of having 4 children. I guess that is the only consolation - I don't have to decide what I want to be "when I grow up" because I already have grown up and don't have time to become what I envisioned. I am too busy to pursue my interests. My dream job would perhaps be having a column in a newspaper or being a travel writer. Careers I am much too late and not even close to being able to accomplish. Argh! God please send me what you would have me do with my life that coincides with your will for me. For when I am in your will, I am fulfilling my destiny, and my desires will be fulfilled when aligned with your spirit. I know right now that my biggest job, ministry, and duty is to train and love my kids. If only I could get paid!

Chapter Five

One more week down. I don't really know what I have necessarily accomplished in this week. It has been a frustrating week with scheduling and an even more frustrating week with packing. It seems like the more we pack, the more breeds. Not to sound too drone, but the laundry is also breeding. And just when I thought I could start my week anew, a lovely 2 am vomit session began. Thankfully, the Lord gave me a sentence to cling to today so I would not spin off into paranoia about who "It's" next victim would be. "Worry is no more than speculation about the future that will rob you of joy in the present." Such a novel idea. With that, I fed my kids spaghettios and sloppy joes today sticking my tongue out disrespectively towards the dreaded stomach virus. "I dare you to claim another victim!" However, I failed to fulfill the latter half of the proverb. I did not find the joy I so needed and my kids so needed. I am trying so hard to turn my parenting around. Step 1 is getting my kids to fear me. That kinds of starts by being a "mean" mom. Not taking any flack. I am feeling too much like a drill sargent and failing to find joy in between the chaos. My 2 (almost 3) year old is not helping much, though. She seems to find every opportunity to rebel and abuse possible. I pray the 3's will be better than the 2's. God knew to make her cute! Anyway, my book study I am doing on Sunday nights brought the concept of daily manna to me. I like this and dislike this. The concept is that God only gives you what you need for today, right now. Isn't that wonderful that we don't have to worry about our future or our needs because are heavenly Father is already working on our behalf. However, I dislike this because I am the wo-man with a plan. I like knowing what is going to happen. I don't like surprises. I like lists and schedules and -well - plans! The Israelites suffered with spoiled, rotten bread, however, when they tried to gather more than the daily allotted amount. So God gave me my "manna" statement today above. I look forward to what he will give me tomorrow for what I will face. (hope that is not too much planning). I am just so worn out, and I am my own worst enemy. Here I am journaling and "encouraging" and "rejuvenating" myself typing at 1:34am. Sleep eludes me, and I desperately fight it in hopes of winning more alone time to sit and read, write, or watch my favorite tv program. Ah, the joys of being a mom to young kids...no time. With that, I will bid myself goodnight and hate myself in the morning for this "healthy" activity. Goodnight!

Chapter Four

This journaling thing is not working out. I refuse to give up, though - no matter how many days between posts, no matter how discouraged I am with myself for not being perfect and no matter how eloquent each post is. This is not a writing contest, and this is not even something I am sharing with others. It is just an honest assessment of myself and a story that has no script or purpose other than to try to pull myself up out of a pit I have created (ok...also one my husband put me in). The past week or two has been full of random angry and emotional moments, little eruptions that seem to come out of nowhere. I am fueled sometimes by the injustice of my situation, and yet I have no one else to blame but myself for choosing this man as my mate and for participating sinfully with him 10 yrs ago in the areas of substance abuse and immorality. I guess I just naively believed that we would turn from our ways and start a new life full of love and happiness. I will not say I regret the relationship for I would not have my 4 beautiful children without it and I certainly would not be the person I am today without it. One thing I have learned is that sin not only does not stand still but it's tentacles are far reaching and are not satisfied until it has completely sunk its prey, much like the monster in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. When will the fall out end? Am I destined to suffer the consequences forever? Perhaps. I just pray I come out the other side stronger and more beautiful and more like Christ than ever.

Right now, all I see is a blundering, irrational, and outbursting person that defends her behavior and yet can't stand who she is - in sin and in personality. I am tired of my character defects and I am tired of my strengths that rub people the wrong way and do nothing but make others uncomfortable. My analyzing, discerning, organizing, unwavering, confrontational qualities do not come out how they are intended and only serve to hurt myself and others. I feel I do not like my giftings because they seem only to serve as annoyances to others, and do I blame them? How annoying! I wonder if that is why I have holed up by myself for the majority of my life and just want to keep to myself, why i relish alone time and watch tv a lot. It is to not offend others and to block the excessive thoughts that come. This outlet, i hope, will help me establish a new me and help me seek out new qualities to not only discover but practice. Help me Jesus to find out who i am in you and what you would have me do for you and your kingdom.