Chapter Two

Well, the laundry basket is still sitting there. Oddly enough, I have done another load of laundry while still managing to ignore this particular load. I am puzzled by my own behavior and think I should be the topic of a research project regarding this (like the monkeys or something). I am still just twitching my pinky toe as far as making movement towards changing my life. I did, however, muster up enough energy today to straighten both bedrooms, do a load of laundry, file all my paperwork, schedule a portrait session, play a round of Candy Land, start a 100 piece puzzle with Heidi which she promptly tore up before we even finished up the edges, and do a lot of emailing back and forth with my attorneys. Whew! I guess that is a little better than I have been. I am not pleased, though, with the amount of time I still spend on my computer (oops...) and the amount of time I spend on the phone with my soon to be ex. "Ex"...I have such a bad feeling saying that. There is no off switch when it comes to ending a marriage. What do you do with the person you have talked to daily for the past 10 years. He has done enough damage to me that I should hate him the rest of my life, and yet there is this sick love-hate relationship that goes on and on. The main culprit is the addiction (on both sides). His addiction to substances has produced 2 or more people, some good and some bad. Right now he is good, and I am divorcing a good person. Three weeks ago, he was a living nightmare. My addiction is to helping him and trying to guide all his steps. Boy, don't I think I am special. I can't shake it, and I am beginning to think that going through the 12 steps for codependency has meant absolutely nothing in the area of actually living it out. I suppose this is the second greatest reason I am doing this blog because I want to journal and get down to the bottom of this behavior. The main reason for the blog is to document a turning point, change, and discovery of who I am. I have been a host to a parasite for 10 years and completely sucked dry. I am ready to be wholly codependent from God, a parasite to his Host, I guess you could say (sounds nasty, but it is all in a good way...oh and God can never be sucked dry, he is the well from which we will never thirst again). So, the most I can say for myself is that at least I am coming out of denial - denial of my need for Christ, denial of my remaining codependency, denial of my depression, and denial of the problem of talking to "him" every day. I am just really disappointed at the lack of reliance I have on God this round. Two years ago when I walked through something similar, I was on it. I was doing Bible studies, writing Scripture cards and claiming them. I was keeping on top of my house by myself with 3 kids and had a routine and a system that worked well for me. I read in the bed after all my chores were done or watched movies and spread out and really enjoyed "Me" for 3 months. I don't know what is different this time. Of course I have a baby which presents a bit of a problem finding "me time", I am living at my parents and not forced to have as much responsibility, and I have mom to talk to all the time which I suppose might be taking me away from talking to God. I have got to get out of this - get out of the den, get out of the house, and get out of my misery. I have spent days inside except for taking my kids to school, and my demeanor shows it. I am using this blog to expose myself to myself, and I hope it works. It is a last ditch effort. GO READ YOUR BIBLE, SARAH! Ok...I will. Back tomorrow with insights from my power source. Running on a low battery right now.