Chapter One

This is not a New Year's resolution, but, oddly enough, it is occurring at the same time as new beginnings. 2010 has the potential to be the year of the biggest failures of my life, or it could be the year of new beginnings. If you look at the events leading up to it and if you asked 99.9% of my acquaintances, they would say my life is the culmination of many failures right now. However, I choose to believe it could be both. Is it not in death, that new life comes? So here I am...I am losing my marriage, my house, one car, both sources of income, health insurance, dignity, and my battle with ice cream and chocolate. So what do I have to lose! For the past 5 days, I have been sitting in the same place (save the duties of raising 4 children, and perhaps forgetting a few) staring at the screen, the wall, and the basket of clean (yet unfolded) laundry that I have kept moving around to make it look like I am confronting it. Have I had time to fold it? Yes. But there it sits. A perfect metaphor for my life. At some point I will have to fold it, and at some point I will have to confront the issue bigger than an elephant in the room. So I am "folding my laundry" now...I'll fold the clothes later... Look at me. I am not yet 30, have 4 children, I have worn the same pair of pajamas for 3 days, cannot remember when I last showered, and the highlight of my day is the microwave popcorn I just ate. I sit around and search for shows and movies to DVR and then watch them, scroll through everybody's wonderful lives on facebook, all from the couch in my parents' basement. My parents' basement? Yes, I just typed that, and yes that is where I am at. Does it get worse than this? I guess the calamity that could top it is if I stayed this way. So from my special spot on the couch I am beginning the fight to dig myself out of this basket of laundry into the light. Granted, it is not training for a marathon or writing a book, but for me it is a start. It is but one pinky toe twitch before the first step of the rest of my life. It marks the beginning of my journey trying to find my way back on the path with my Savior so I can find the peace that I so long for that I have not been able to achieve by dulling my senses and forgetting the absolute horror of my life. It is the first step in becoming the daughter, mother, and person I do not yet know that I am. (That's another thing...I don't even know who I am!) It is the start of trusting that Christ will lead the way if I just let go, and let God. Starting over...at least for today.