Chapter Three

Well, the laundry got folded. Unfortunately, it was replaced by 3 more baskets of clean, unfolded laundry that are now sitting in front of me as we speak. (So much for "starting over"). I hope this time to be more successful than the last. I am also lagging behind on my blogging which is bothering me. I hope my laundry is not representative of my motivation to "start over." What a travesty that would be... Still the same, I want to get into the habit of journaling every day. I know I have a lot to say and a lot I am learning and a lot of questions that need answering which proves how much I need to do this for my sanity and for my growth and for a marker to go back and look and see how much progress I have made. I hope to notice some significant improvements (top on my list is reading my Bible and being a good parent). I did read my Bible after my last post, but unfortunately Chapter Three is so long after Chapter Two, I don't remember what I read. I am excited to start BSF (John) next week. It will force me to get into the Word and be more involved. I will also get a discussion group. Not that I need to be forced to read the Bible. I truly do enjoy it. I just don't remember it's vitality, as vital as bread. I also don't carve out the time. If I do have time, I just want to vegetate and not use my brain. I know I can do better, and I need God's help and the help of some good old-fashioned pride (have to finish for discussion group) to get me on my way. I saw Russell today to help with some computer file stuff. We had a good visit, and I am all the more confused as to what I am doing, deciding, and hoping to accomplish. I don't see another way out, and yet I can't seem to settle with what I am doing. What does that mean? God is not a god of confusion or chaos. He does not trick his children. So what gives? What is God's will for my life? Divorce/not to divorce, sell house/stay in house, talk to him/not talk to him, more visitation/less visitation, move on/not move on. I already have a headache... I suppose I should READ MY BIBLE to find out which direction God is leading. Pray...pray...pray...

Chapter Two

Well, the laundry basket is still sitting there. Oddly enough, I have done another load of laundry while still managing to ignore this particular load. I am puzzled by my own behavior and think I should be the topic of a research project regarding this (like the monkeys or something). I am still just twitching my pinky toe as far as making movement towards changing my life. I did, however, muster up enough energy today to straighten both bedrooms, do a load of laundry, file all my paperwork, schedule a portrait session, play a round of Candy Land, start a 100 piece puzzle with Heidi which she promptly tore up before we even finished up the edges, and do a lot of emailing back and forth with my attorneys. Whew! I guess that is a little better than I have been. I am not pleased, though, with the amount of time I still spend on my computer (oops...) and the amount of time I spend on the phone with my soon to be ex. "Ex"...I have such a bad feeling saying that. There is no off switch when it comes to ending a marriage. What do you do with the person you have talked to daily for the past 10 years. He has done enough damage to me that I should hate him the rest of my life, and yet there is this sick love-hate relationship that goes on and on. The main culprit is the addiction (on both sides). His addiction to substances has produced 2 or more people, some good and some bad. Right now he is good, and I am divorcing a good person. Three weeks ago, he was a living nightmare. My addiction is to helping him and trying to guide all his steps. Boy, don't I think I am special. I can't shake it, and I am beginning to think that going through the 12 steps for codependency has meant absolutely nothing in the area of actually living it out. I suppose this is the second greatest reason I am doing this blog because I want to journal and get down to the bottom of this behavior. The main reason for the blog is to document a turning point, change, and discovery of who I am. I have been a host to a parasite for 10 years and completely sucked dry. I am ready to be wholly codependent from God, a parasite to his Host, I guess you could say (sounds nasty, but it is all in a good way...oh and God can never be sucked dry, he is the well from which we will never thirst again). So, the most I can say for myself is that at least I am coming out of denial - denial of my need for Christ, denial of my remaining codependency, denial of my depression, and denial of the problem of talking to "him" every day. I am just really disappointed at the lack of reliance I have on God this round. Two years ago when I walked through something similar, I was on it. I was doing Bible studies, writing Scripture cards and claiming them. I was keeping on top of my house by myself with 3 kids and had a routine and a system that worked well for me. I read in the bed after all my chores were done or watched movies and spread out and really enjoyed "Me" for 3 months. I don't know what is different this time. Of course I have a baby which presents a bit of a problem finding "me time", I am living at my parents and not forced to have as much responsibility, and I have mom to talk to all the time which I suppose might be taking me away from talking to God. I have got to get out of this - get out of the den, get out of the house, and get out of my misery. I have spent days inside except for taking my kids to school, and my demeanor shows it. I am using this blog to expose myself to myself, and I hope it works. It is a last ditch effort. GO READ YOUR BIBLE, SARAH! Ok...I will. Back tomorrow with insights from my power source. Running on a low battery right now.

Chapter One

This is not a New Year's resolution, but, oddly enough, it is occurring at the same time as new beginnings. 2010 has the potential to be the year of the biggest failures of my life, or it could be the year of new beginnings. If you look at the events leading up to it and if you asked 99.9% of my acquaintances, they would say my life is the culmination of many failures right now. However, I choose to believe it could be both. Is it not in death, that new life comes? So here I am...I am losing my marriage, my house, one car, both sources of income, health insurance, dignity, and my battle with ice cream and chocolate. So what do I have to lose! For the past 5 days, I have been sitting in the same place (save the duties of raising 4 children, and perhaps forgetting a few) staring at the screen, the wall, and the basket of clean (yet unfolded) laundry that I have kept moving around to make it look like I am confronting it. Have I had time to fold it? Yes. But there it sits. A perfect metaphor for my life. At some point I will have to fold it, and at some point I will have to confront the issue bigger than an elephant in the room. So I am "folding my laundry" now...I'll fold the clothes later... Look at me. I am not yet 30, have 4 children, I have worn the same pair of pajamas for 3 days, cannot remember when I last showered, and the highlight of my day is the microwave popcorn I just ate. I sit around and search for shows and movies to DVR and then watch them, scroll through everybody's wonderful lives on facebook, all from the couch in my parents' basement. My parents' basement? Yes, I just typed that, and yes that is where I am at. Does it get worse than this? I guess the calamity that could top it is if I stayed this way. So from my special spot on the couch I am beginning the fight to dig myself out of this basket of laundry into the light. Granted, it is not training for a marathon or writing a book, but for me it is a start. It is but one pinky toe twitch before the first step of the rest of my life. It marks the beginning of my journey trying to find my way back on the path with my Savior so I can find the peace that I so long for that I have not been able to achieve by dulling my senses and forgetting the absolute horror of my life. It is the first step in becoming the daughter, mother, and person I do not yet know that I am. (That's another thing...I don't even know who I am!) It is the start of trusting that Christ will lead the way if I just let go, and let God. Starting over...at least for today.