Chapter Six

I am growing increasingly frustrated with myself. I know I have so much to offer the world, yet I don't know in what capacity and, even more frustrating, I don't know how to harness most of it. The parts of my life I do try to share never get translated correctly. I feel like I am perpetually living in my own version of the movie "Lost in Translation." I know exactly what I mean, but others don't, get confused, get offended, and get lost. Is this just a character defect of mine? I am finding it hard to evaluate who I really am. After doing a free career test, I find out that I score the highest in clerical and science. Clerical is a personality-less career, and science is the subject I scored the worst in. So go figure. How can my strength be in clerical when I love so many different things like reading, writing, fashion design, and music? The thing is...I just love them. I'm not good at them. The reality is that I am good at organizing and filling in the blanks. How boring... I have so much to offer in the area of counseling, yet I am not a people person. I love fashion design, but I cannot even so on a button. I love to cut and style hair, but I hate touching people. I love writing yet could not come up with a make believe story if my life depended on it. (I guess my love of writing comes from a love of language and editing and wit and irony). I love the technicality of comparing just the right things or of sharing my point of view. I love to dance and I used to choreograph, so I know there is creativity down in there somewhere. It is just very limited and very specific. Just how specific, I know not. All I know is that I have trouble creating something from nothing - no make believe stories, drawing abstract art, or composing an aria...I did not even play as a kid! So who am I and what am I supposed to be??? A measley secretary earning $8/hr? Is that the best career plan I have? Then there is the obstacle of having 4 children. I guess that is the only consolation - I don't have to decide what I want to be "when I grow up" because I already have grown up and don't have time to become what I envisioned. I am too busy to pursue my interests. My dream job would perhaps be having a column in a newspaper or being a travel writer. Careers I am much too late and not even close to being able to accomplish. Argh! God please send me what you would have me do with my life that coincides with your will for me. For when I am in your will, I am fulfilling my destiny, and my desires will be fulfilled when aligned with your spirit. I know right now that my biggest job, ministry, and duty is to train and love my kids. If only I could get paid!

Chapter Five

One more week down. I don't really know what I have necessarily accomplished in this week. It has been a frustrating week with scheduling and an even more frustrating week with packing. It seems like the more we pack, the more breeds. Not to sound too drone, but the laundry is also breeding. And just when I thought I could start my week anew, a lovely 2 am vomit session began. Thankfully, the Lord gave me a sentence to cling to today so I would not spin off into paranoia about who "It's" next victim would be. "Worry is no more than speculation about the future that will rob you of joy in the present." Such a novel idea. With that, I fed my kids spaghettios and sloppy joes today sticking my tongue out disrespectively towards the dreaded stomach virus. "I dare you to claim another victim!" However, I failed to fulfill the latter half of the proverb. I did not find the joy I so needed and my kids so needed. I am trying so hard to turn my parenting around. Step 1 is getting my kids to fear me. That kinds of starts by being a "mean" mom. Not taking any flack. I am feeling too much like a drill sargent and failing to find joy in between the chaos. My 2 (almost 3) year old is not helping much, though. She seems to find every opportunity to rebel and abuse possible. I pray the 3's will be better than the 2's. God knew to make her cute! Anyway, my book study I am doing on Sunday nights brought the concept of daily manna to me. I like this and dislike this. The concept is that God only gives you what you need for today, right now. Isn't that wonderful that we don't have to worry about our future or our needs because are heavenly Father is already working on our behalf. However, I dislike this because I am the wo-man with a plan. I like knowing what is going to happen. I don't like surprises. I like lists and schedules and -well - plans! The Israelites suffered with spoiled, rotten bread, however, when they tried to gather more than the daily allotted amount. So God gave me my "manna" statement today above. I look forward to what he will give me tomorrow for what I will face. (hope that is not too much planning). I am just so worn out, and I am my own worst enemy. Here I am journaling and "encouraging" and "rejuvenating" myself typing at 1:34am. Sleep eludes me, and I desperately fight it in hopes of winning more alone time to sit and read, write, or watch my favorite tv program. Ah, the joys of being a mom to young kids...no time. With that, I will bid myself goodnight and hate myself in the morning for this "healthy" activity. Goodnight!

Chapter Four

This journaling thing is not working out. I refuse to give up, though - no matter how many days between posts, no matter how discouraged I am with myself for not being perfect and no matter how eloquent each post is. This is not a writing contest, and this is not even something I am sharing with others. It is just an honest assessment of myself and a story that has no script or purpose other than to try to pull myself up out of a pit I have created (ok...also one my husband put me in). The past week or two has been full of random angry and emotional moments, little eruptions that seem to come out of nowhere. I am fueled sometimes by the injustice of my situation, and yet I have no one else to blame but myself for choosing this man as my mate and for participating sinfully with him 10 yrs ago in the areas of substance abuse and immorality. I guess I just naively believed that we would turn from our ways and start a new life full of love and happiness. I will not say I regret the relationship for I would not have my 4 beautiful children without it and I certainly would not be the person I am today without it. One thing I have learned is that sin not only does not stand still but it's tentacles are far reaching and are not satisfied until it has completely sunk its prey, much like the monster in 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. When will the fall out end? Am I destined to suffer the consequences forever? Perhaps. I just pray I come out the other side stronger and more beautiful and more like Christ than ever.

Right now, all I see is a blundering, irrational, and outbursting person that defends her behavior and yet can't stand who she is - in sin and in personality. I am tired of my character defects and I am tired of my strengths that rub people the wrong way and do nothing but make others uncomfortable. My analyzing, discerning, organizing, unwavering, confrontational qualities do not come out how they are intended and only serve to hurt myself and others. I feel I do not like my giftings because they seem only to serve as annoyances to others, and do I blame them? How annoying! I wonder if that is why I have holed up by myself for the majority of my life and just want to keep to myself, why i relish alone time and watch tv a lot. It is to not offend others and to block the excessive thoughts that come. This outlet, i hope, will help me establish a new me and help me seek out new qualities to not only discover but practice. Help me Jesus to find out who i am in you and what you would have me do for you and your kingdom.

Chapter Three

Well, the laundry got folded. Unfortunately, it was replaced by 3 more baskets of clean, unfolded laundry that are now sitting in front of me as we speak. (So much for "starting over"). I hope this time to be more successful than the last. I am also lagging behind on my blogging which is bothering me. I hope my laundry is not representative of my motivation to "start over." What a travesty that would be... Still the same, I want to get into the habit of journaling every day. I know I have a lot to say and a lot I am learning and a lot of questions that need answering which proves how much I need to do this for my sanity and for my growth and for a marker to go back and look and see how much progress I have made. I hope to notice some significant improvements (top on my list is reading my Bible and being a good parent). I did read my Bible after my last post, but unfortunately Chapter Three is so long after Chapter Two, I don't remember what I read. I am excited to start BSF (John) next week. It will force me to get into the Word and be more involved. I will also get a discussion group. Not that I need to be forced to read the Bible. I truly do enjoy it. I just don't remember it's vitality, as vital as bread. I also don't carve out the time. If I do have time, I just want to vegetate and not use my brain. I know I can do better, and I need God's help and the help of some good old-fashioned pride (have to finish for discussion group) to get me on my way. I saw Russell today to help with some computer file stuff. We had a good visit, and I am all the more confused as to what I am doing, deciding, and hoping to accomplish. I don't see another way out, and yet I can't seem to settle with what I am doing. What does that mean? God is not a god of confusion or chaos. He does not trick his children. So what gives? What is God's will for my life? Divorce/not to divorce, sell house/stay in house, talk to him/not talk to him, more visitation/less visitation, move on/not move on. I already have a headache... I suppose I should READ MY BIBLE to find out which direction God is leading. Pray...pray...pray...

Chapter Two

Well, the laundry basket is still sitting there. Oddly enough, I have done another load of laundry while still managing to ignore this particular load. I am puzzled by my own behavior and think I should be the topic of a research project regarding this (like the monkeys or something). I am still just twitching my pinky toe as far as making movement towards changing my life. I did, however, muster up enough energy today to straighten both bedrooms, do a load of laundry, file all my paperwork, schedule a portrait session, play a round of Candy Land, start a 100 piece puzzle with Heidi which she promptly tore up before we even finished up the edges, and do a lot of emailing back and forth with my attorneys. Whew! I guess that is a little better than I have been. I am not pleased, though, with the amount of time I still spend on my computer (oops...) and the amount of time I spend on the phone with my soon to be ex. "Ex"...I have such a bad feeling saying that. There is no off switch when it comes to ending a marriage. What do you do with the person you have talked to daily for the past 10 years. He has done enough damage to me that I should hate him the rest of my life, and yet there is this sick love-hate relationship that goes on and on. The main culprit is the addiction (on both sides). His addiction to substances has produced 2 or more people, some good and some bad. Right now he is good, and I am divorcing a good person. Three weeks ago, he was a living nightmare. My addiction is to helping him and trying to guide all his steps. Boy, don't I think I am special. I can't shake it, and I am beginning to think that going through the 12 steps for codependency has meant absolutely nothing in the area of actually living it out. I suppose this is the second greatest reason I am doing this blog because I want to journal and get down to the bottom of this behavior. The main reason for the blog is to document a turning point, change, and discovery of who I am. I have been a host to a parasite for 10 years and completely sucked dry. I am ready to be wholly codependent from God, a parasite to his Host, I guess you could say (sounds nasty, but it is all in a good way...oh and God can never be sucked dry, he is the well from which we will never thirst again). So, the most I can say for myself is that at least I am coming out of denial - denial of my need for Christ, denial of my remaining codependency, denial of my depression, and denial of the problem of talking to "him" every day. I am just really disappointed at the lack of reliance I have on God this round. Two years ago when I walked through something similar, I was on it. I was doing Bible studies, writing Scripture cards and claiming them. I was keeping on top of my house by myself with 3 kids and had a routine and a system that worked well for me. I read in the bed after all my chores were done or watched movies and spread out and really enjoyed "Me" for 3 months. I don't know what is different this time. Of course I have a baby which presents a bit of a problem finding "me time", I am living at my parents and not forced to have as much responsibility, and I have mom to talk to all the time which I suppose might be taking me away from talking to God. I have got to get out of this - get out of the den, get out of the house, and get out of my misery. I have spent days inside except for taking my kids to school, and my demeanor shows it. I am using this blog to expose myself to myself, and I hope it works. It is a last ditch effort. GO READ YOUR BIBLE, SARAH! Ok...I will. Back tomorrow with insights from my power source. Running on a low battery right now.

Chapter One

This is not a New Year's resolution, but, oddly enough, it is occurring at the same time as new beginnings. 2010 has the potential to be the year of the biggest failures of my life, or it could be the year of new beginnings. If you look at the events leading up to it and if you asked 99.9% of my acquaintances, they would say my life is the culmination of many failures right now. However, I choose to believe it could be both. Is it not in death, that new life comes? So here I am...I am losing my marriage, my house, one car, both sources of income, health insurance, dignity, and my battle with ice cream and chocolate. So what do I have to lose! For the past 5 days, I have been sitting in the same place (save the duties of raising 4 children, and perhaps forgetting a few) staring at the screen, the wall, and the basket of clean (yet unfolded) laundry that I have kept moving around to make it look like I am confronting it. Have I had time to fold it? Yes. But there it sits. A perfect metaphor for my life. At some point I will have to fold it, and at some point I will have to confront the issue bigger than an elephant in the room. So I am "folding my laundry" now...I'll fold the clothes later... Look at me. I am not yet 30, have 4 children, I have worn the same pair of pajamas for 3 days, cannot remember when I last showered, and the highlight of my day is the microwave popcorn I just ate. I sit around and search for shows and movies to DVR and then watch them, scroll through everybody's wonderful lives on facebook, all from the couch in my parents' basement. My parents' basement? Yes, I just typed that, and yes that is where I am at. Does it get worse than this? I guess the calamity that could top it is if I stayed this way. So from my special spot on the couch I am beginning the fight to dig myself out of this basket of laundry into the light. Granted, it is not training for a marathon or writing a book, but for me it is a start. It is but one pinky toe twitch before the first step of the rest of my life. It marks the beginning of my journey trying to find my way back on the path with my Savior so I can find the peace that I so long for that I have not been able to achieve by dulling my senses and forgetting the absolute horror of my life. It is the first step in becoming the daughter, mother, and person I do not yet know that I am. (That's another thing...I don't even know who I am!) It is the start of trusting that Christ will lead the way if I just let go, and let God. Starting over...at least for today.